The boy-girl relationship is an extremely dangerous subject to write about. You have to recognise that there are many angles to the subject ---- to find a group of people who sing the same tune as yourself, is like searching for similar-looking cloud patterns in the sky. Who am I to write on such a delicate subject? *knuckle crack*

Jerald Joseph Lam:

In essence that means I know a lot about relationships. Well, at least I know about my relationships. And I also possess the indirect experience of all my close friends around me; plus, I have read many books on the topic and have also discussed it with many people at length. That should give you an idea of how desperate I once was.

Was. Is. Maybe was. I can't remember when I first started longing for a partner. It was probably in Primary school, from age 12 onwards? I did many stupid things then. Have you ever stalked the person you like before? I hope not. It just makes you look  really creepy. I did it for the attention ---- stalking tends to make a person very aware of you. I didn't know it at the time but what I really wanted from having a partner was attention. 

Maybe you didn't go as far as I did. Maybe you were more of a facebook-stalker (or friendster, if you're as old as I am or older...) than an actual stalker. Or were you more pro-active? Sending random text messages, waiting for his/her name to pop-up on the bottom right of your screen, calling him/her every day under the premise of something important --- All cries for attention.

If anyone answers your desperate cry for attention, that person probably craves attention too. Two attention-seekers giving each other all the attention ever needed, until they become bored of each other. Ah but I've jumped the gun. So you're trying to start a conversation going between him/her...

But what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend? Wait! Some people skip this stage completely! Namely the ones who believe in love at first sight and also, wooing with immediacy. I'm all for being swept up in romance and living life with passion. Unfortunately my idea of being "swept up" is much slower than most people. I can't say I find wisdom in this strategy at all. If you're unlucky enough, that person might just agree to having a relationship with you.

Is it trouble? Really? I believe so. It all depends on how you see people. Every person has a soul; that is, a mind, a will and some emotions. Every person also has a body. Enjoying a person's looks will only last you for awhile. What happens when you start going into the relationships routine? Without a strong friendship undergirding the relationship, flaws will start to pop out one by one (in actuality, this happens even with a strong friendship, but it becomes glaringly obvious without the friendship season), especially in the area of the person's mind, will, and sometimes (unfortunately), emotions (I wonder if you've ever heard of the term 'Emotional Baggage'?) 

Once you're in, you're in. You would be wise not to change your facebook relationship status or upload any photos too soon. If it works out for you, you're the exception (And everyone thinks they will be that exception because of the great chemistry that bubbled up when they first met). If you think back on the relationships that were built on flimsy friendships, would you consider how many came to an end because of a flaw you couldn't stand/accept?

Really, what's the harm in building a friendship first? Are you desperate? Is he/she so popular that you have to woo with immediacy (or accept with immediacy)? If time is of the essence, perhaps that indicates that you need to investigate your motives for wanting a relationship.

For me, a relationship is about spending my life with someone who will climb up my mountains and pass through my valleys. It's also about walking up someone's mountains and passing through someone else's valleys. It's about having that deep intimacy between souls, just as the Designer of relationships had intended. To possess such deep intimacy, wouldn't you agree that some form of commitment is needed? Imagine if you had someone to pour your heart out to regularly, and this someone decides to disappear and not talk to you for awhile because he/she feels like it. How would that make you feel?

I like Joshua Harris' central tenet in his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (excellent read btw): The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Let's go back to my question ---what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend?--- and assume that you two have become good friends. Now what? The relationship?

Here I will provide no answers, for I know no correct answers. For every answer that I give, someone will find me an exception. But I find it helpful to think about it logically, so let's start from the end in mind. If the ultimate goal is to share your life with a partner in marriage (I hope this is the ultimate goal), then you would need to be ready for marriage. Over-conservative? Then please offer my something better. Have the relationship last for an indefinite period of time until there is a strong, valid reason to break up? What a waste of time, money and emotion. Remain unmarried and enjoy all the benefits of a married couple? Well, who's to say that he/she won't just walk out on you one day? Will you ever build a family from that, or a home for that matter?

Ready for marriage how? Hmm. Spiritually. Mentally. Financially. Socially. Hard to reach the perfect life-stage? Well, at least have some muscles in those areas. Enough for a relationship, at least. Case in point: How many people enter into a relationship without the necessary maturity for conflict management?

So here we have our decision criteria, simply by going through a few questions. Why do you want a relationship? Are you ready to have a relationship (in terms of spirituality, mentality, maturity and reality)? What is the ultimate goal of your relationship? 

Singlehood is not such a bad thing. I'm not saying that I will never get into a relationship. I'm saying that there's a proper life-stage for it but at present, let's think about it this way: There's the gift of being one (with another) and the gift of simply being, one! When you're not attached, you can focus on many other aspects of your life. Have you noticed that some life stages demand that you put more effort and energy into certain things like studying, working, exercising, etc? Perhaps widening your social circle or your list of options is more important for now. Honestly, the marshmallow can wait, can't it? (:

The boy-girl relationship is an extremely dangerous subject to write about. You have to recognise that there are many angles to the subject ---- to find a group of people who sing the same tune as yourself, is like searching for similar-looking cloud patterns in the sky. Who am I to write on such a delicate subject? *knuckle crack*

Jerald Joseph Lam:

In essence that means I know a lot about relationships. Well, at least I know about my relationships. And I also possess the indirect experience of all my close friends around me; plus, I have read many books on the topic and have also discussed it with many people at length. That should give you an idea of how desperate I once was.

Was. Is. Maybe was. I can't remember when I first started longing for a partner. It was probably in Primary school, from age 12 onwards? I did many stupid things then. Have you ever stalked the person you like before? I hope not. It just makes you look  really creepy. I did it for the attention ---- stalking tends to make a person very aware of you. I didn't know it at the time but what I really wanted from having a partner was attention. 

Maybe you didn't go as far as I did. Maybe you were more of a facebook-stalker (or friendster, if you're as old as I am or older...) than an actual stalker. Or were you more pro-active? Sending random text messages, waiting for his/her name to pop-up on the bottom right of your screen, calling him/her every day under the premise of something important --- All cries for attention.

If anyone answers your desperate cry for attention, that person probably craves attention too. Two attention-seekers giving each other all the attention ever needed, until they become bored of each other. Ah but I've jumped the gun. So you're trying to start a conversation going between him/her...

But what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend? Wait! Some people skip this stage completely! Namely the ones who believe in love at first sight and also, wooing with immediacy. I'm all for being swept up in romance and living life with passion. Unfortunately my idea of being "swept up" is much slower than most people. I can't say I find wisdom in this strategy at all. If you're unlucky enough, that person might just agree to having a relationship with you.

Is it trouble? Really? I believe so. It all depends on how you see people. Every person has a soul; that is, a mind, a will and some emotions. Every person also has a body. Enjoying a person's looks will only last you for awhile. What happens when you start going into the relationships routine? Without a strong friendship undergirding the relationship, flaws will start to pop out one by one (in actuality, this happens even with a strong friendship, but it becomes glaringly obvious without the friendship season), especially in the area of the person's mind, will, and sometimes (unfortunately), emotions (I wonder if you've ever heard of the term 'Emotional Baggage'?) 

Once you're in, you're in. You would be wise not to change your facebook relationship status or upload any photos too soon. If it works out for you, you're the exception (And everyone thinks they will be that exception because of the great chemistry that bubbled up when they first met). If you think back on the relationships that were built on flimsy friendships, would you consider how many came to an end because of a flaw you couldn't stand/accept?

Really, what's the harm in building a friendship first? Are you desperate? Is he/she so popular that you have to woo with immediacy (or accept with immediacy)? If time is of the essence, perhaps that indicates that you need to investigate your motives for wanting a relationship.

For me, a relationship is about spending my life with someone who will climb up my mountains and pass through my valleys. It's also about walking up someone's mountains and passing through someone else's valleys. It's about having that deep intimacy between souls, just as the Designer of relationships had intended. To possess such deep intimacy, wouldn't you agree that some form of commitment is needed? Imagine if you had someone to pour your heart out to regularly, and this someone decides to disappear and not talk to you for awhile because he/she feels like it. How would that make you feel?

I like Joshua Harris' central tenet in his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (excellent read btw): The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Let's go back to my question ---what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend?--- and assume that you two have become good friends. Now what? The relationship?

Here I will provide no answers, for I know no correct answers. For every answer that I give, someone will find me an exception. But I find it helpful to think about it logically, so let's start from the end in mind. If the ultimate goal is to share your life with a partner in marriage (I hope this is the ultimate goal), then you would need to be ready for marriage. Over-conservative? Then please offer my something better. Have the relationship last for an indefinite period of time until there is a strong, valid reason to break up? What a waste of time, money and emotion. Remain unmarried and enjoy all the benefits of a married couple? Well, who's to say that he/she won't just walk out on you one day? Will you ever build a family from that, or a home for that matter?

Ready for marriage how? Hmm. Spiritually. Mentally. Financially. Socially. Hard to reach the perfect life-stage? Well, at least have some muscles in those areas. Enough for a relationship, at least. Case in point: How many people enter into a relationship without the necessary maturity for conflict management?

So here we have our decision criteria, simply by going through a few questions. Why do you want a relationship? Are you ready to have a relationship (in terms of spirituality, mentality, maturity and reality)? What is the ultimate goal of your relationship? 

Singlehood is not such a bad thing. I'm not saying that I will never get into a relationship. I'm saying that there's a proper life-stage for it but at present, let's think about it this way: There's the gift of being one (with another) and the gift of simply being, one! When you're not attached, you can focus on many other aspects of your life. Have you noticed that some life stages demand that you put more effort and energy into certain things like studying, working, exercising, etc? Perhaps widening your social circle or your list of options is more important for now. Honestly, the marshmallow can wait, can't it? (:

hey, this is Jerald