Black Riders. Frodo and his company had been running from them for a few days now. This was still part of the Shire, but it already felt unsafe. Fortunately, Gildor and a few other high-elves were on their way to the Great Sea. The Elves had unknowingly chased away the Black Riders for the hobbits. The Ring was safe for now. Frodo, was safe for now. 

It was indeed fortunate that the Elves had come along, but the Elves had their own journey to make --- their protection was only temporary. Something else was bothering Frodo. This journey was supposed to be a safer one; Gandalf was expected to show up the day they left Bag End. Now Frodo had to decide whether to wait for Gandalf or not.

*Extract from The Fellowship of the Ring - J R R Tolkien:

Gildor was silent for a moment. 'I do not like this news,' he said at last. 'That Gandalf should be late, does not bode well. But it is said: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. The choice is yours: to go or wait.'

'And it is also said,' answered Frodo: 'Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.'

'Is it indeed?' laughed Gildor. 'Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.'

Indeed, all courses may run ill. That is probably what makes advice so dangerous --- even the best ones can lead to misfortune. Sometimes, good intentions are not enough. Tact and caution come into play when offering any words of counsel. 

Has your advice ever been bad? In my years of giving advice, I have lost a few friends here and there. I wish I had been wiser then, I wish those people would forgive me even now. But that, is the price I'm paying to learn some precious lessons on friendship. 

And lesson number one is putting yourself in someone else's shoes. If you have a problem and you want to talk about it, what do you want most from the listener? A listening ear, or advice? Some people tell me it's the latter. What's the point of talking if no solution can be offered? This normally comes with the age old stereotyping of men and women, where men hear a problem and offer advice, where women hear a problem and nod in empathetic affirmation. 

My guess is, both are helpful in different ways. A listening ear allows the speaker to share his/her heart, while advice helps the speaker to deal with problems in a practical manner. It would be a definite no-no, in my opinion, to give advice to someone who wants a listening ear, or, in the alternate case, to purely listen to the story of someone who wants real, practical help.

The best thing to do in this case is to ask a very simple, narrowing question: What would you like from me? This stops us from offering unsolicited advice too quickly. Very often we give advice when we don't know all the details of the story. This has happened to me many times.

Often, when I hear a fleshed-out problem, I quickly start offering advice and solutions. At this point, the person starts considering the advice for its merits and worse, for its flaws. The advice given quickly loses its workability once the person starts sharing other hidden facts that were unknown during the first telling of the story. 

When we ask what that person would like from us, we give them the power to decide whether they only want a listening ear, or something more. When they do start asking for advice, you now have the permission to carry on with presenting your thoughts based on what you already know. Even if flaws start to show up during the presentation, you will not be shot down for giving the advice because permission has already been granted. From there, you can modify your advice according to the hidden facts have been revealed. 

Unsolicited advice is just one of the problems. What if you gave advice with permission and your advice didn't really go as planned? What if he/she starts to blame you for your lousy advice? Well, the countermeasures start when you're giving the advice. 

I've learned that options are always better than instructional advice. The former puts all the cards on the table and allows him/her to choose from the most viable and desirable one. The latter tells the person what to do. This form is weaker because of the shift in responsibility from the advice-taker to the advice-giver.

If Gildor told Frodo to stay and wait for Gandalf, the Black Riders would have probably arrived first (since the old man was away on important Ring-business) and the One Ring would've been returned to its original master, causing all of Middle-Earth to suffer in the end. Gildor would have been held responsible, for he, as a respected and wise High-elf, had instructed the ignorant hobbit wrongly. That's why Gildor hesitates to offer instructional advice. Instead he gives Frodo the choice: to go or wait.

I've also learned the importance of spelling out the pros, cons and the possible consequences of each option. The more consequences you can think of, the more prepared the advice-taker would be. Any backfiring would have some padding to absorb most of the shock. Pros and cons can help the person to justify why he/she picked that particular piece of advice, which you can remind them of in the event of any backfiring.

Ultimately, I learned that it is best not to give any advice, because the best advice tends to come from within them. As a listener, the most blessed thing we can do is to help ask clarifying questions and logically process the problem with them. At the end of the processing, they will usually have come up with the answers themselves. 

Do I consider this piece a waste of time? It depends. Are you a person who gives advice regularly? Do people come to you for help sometimes? I'd probably say this piece is a waste of your time if you answered no to either questions. But I don't consider it a waste of time, because I've seen plenty of friendships/impressions ruined by lousy, unsolicited advice.

To me, advice is like the bubbles blown from the soap and stick. If you handle them with care, they will float up to the sky slow and steady. But if you simply blow with careless strength, they'll end up bursting in your face.

Black Riders. Frodo and his company had been running from them for a few days now. This was still part of the Shire, but it already felt unsafe. Fortunately, Gildor and a few other high-elves were on their way to the Great Sea. The Elves had unknowingly chased away the Black Riders for the hobbits. The Ring was safe for now. Frodo, was safe for now. 

It was indeed fortunate that the Elves had come along, but the Elves had their own journey to make --- their protection was only temporary. Something else was bothering Frodo. This journey was supposed to be a safer one; Gandalf was expected to show up the day they left Bag End. Now Frodo had to decide whether to wait for Gandalf or not.

*Extract from The Fellowship of the Ring - J R R Tolkien:

Gildor was silent for a moment. 'I do not like this news,' he said at last. 'That Gandalf should be late, does not bode well. But it is said: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. The choice is yours: to go or wait.'

'And it is also said,' answered Frodo: 'Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.'

'Is it indeed?' laughed Gildor. 'Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.'

Indeed, all courses may run ill. That is probably what makes advice so dangerous --- even the best ones can lead to misfortune. Sometimes, good intentions are not enough. Tact and caution come into play when offering any words of counsel. 

Has your advice ever been bad? In my years of giving advice, I have lost a few friends here and there. I wish I had been wiser then, I wish those people would forgive me even now. But that, is the price I'm paying to learn some precious lessons on friendship. 

And lesson number one is putting yourself in someone else's shoes. If you have a problem and you want to talk about it, what do you want most from the listener? A listening ear, or advice? Some people tell me it's the latter. What's the point of talking if no solution can be offered? This normally comes with the age old stereotyping of men and women, where men hear a problem and offer advice, where women hear a problem and nod in empathetic affirmation. 

My guess is, both are helpful in different ways. A listening ear allows the speaker to share his/her heart, while advice helps the speaker to deal with problems in a practical manner. It would be a definite no-no, in my opinion, to give advice to someone who wants a listening ear, or, in the alternate case, to purely listen to the story of someone who wants real, practical help.

The best thing to do in this case is to ask a very simple, narrowing question: What would you like from me? This stops us from offering unsolicited advice too quickly. Very often we give advice when we don't know all the details of the story. This has happened to me many times.

Often, when I hear a fleshed-out problem, I quickly start offering advice and solutions. At this point, the person starts considering the advice for its merits and worse, for its flaws. The advice given quickly loses its workability once the person starts sharing other hidden facts that were unknown during the first telling of the story. 

When we ask what that person would like from us, we give them the power to decide whether they only want a listening ear, or something more. When they do start asking for advice, you now have the permission to carry on with presenting your thoughts based on what you already know. Even if flaws start to show up during the presentation, you will not be shot down for giving the advice because permission has already been granted. From there, you can modify your advice according to the hidden facts have been revealed. 

Unsolicited advice is just one of the problems. What if you gave advice with permission and your advice didn't really go as planned? What if he/she starts to blame you for your lousy advice? Well, the countermeasures start when you're giving the advice. 

I've learned that options are always better than instructional advice. The former puts all the cards on the table and allows him/her to choose from the most viable and desirable one. The latter tells the person what to do. This form is weaker because of the shift in responsibility from the advice-taker to the advice-giver.

If Gildor told Frodo to stay and wait for Gandalf, the Black Riders would have probably arrived first (since the old man was away on important Ring-business) and the One Ring would've been returned to its original master, causing all of Middle-Earth to suffer in the end. Gildor would have been held responsible, for he, as a respected and wise High-elf, had instructed the ignorant hobbit wrongly. That's why Gildor hesitates to offer instructional advice. Instead he gives Frodo the choice: to go or wait.

I've also learned the importance of spelling out the pros, cons and the possible consequences of each option. The more consequences you can think of, the more prepared the advice-taker would be. Any backfiring would have some padding to absorb most of the shock. Pros and cons can help the person to justify why he/she picked that particular piece of advice, which you can remind them of in the event of any backfiring.

Ultimately, I learned that it is best not to give any advice, because the best advice tends to come from within them. As a listener, the most blessed thing we can do is to help ask clarifying questions and logically process the problem with them. At the end of the processing, they will usually have come up with the answers themselves. 

Do I consider this piece a waste of time? It depends. Are you a person who gives advice regularly? Do people come to you for help sometimes? I'd probably say this piece is a waste of your time if you answered no to either questions. But I don't consider it a waste of time, because I've seen plenty of friendships/impressions ruined by lousy, unsolicited advice.

To me, advice is like the bubbles blown from the soap and stick. If you handle them with care, they will float up to the sky slow and steady. But if you simply blow with careless strength, they'll end up bursting in your face.

hey, this is Jerald