Hello! I had a very interesting subject on my mind today. Friendship. No, I'm not writing about this because I lost a friend. I'm writing about this because of the many different friends who've made an impact in my life. I suppose most people, when writing about friendship, mainly focus on what true friendship is. That's probably because everyone wants a true friend. Don't you?

If you've had some experience in life, you've probably stumbled upon this question before: Would I rather have one true friend or many average friends? This question strikes at very interesting moments - when a true friend lovingly tells you something negative about yourself, when you see a popular queen-bee surrounded by shallow friends, or when you start looking through your friends list on Facebook! (Believe me, it has happened before)

While I don't have the 100% complete accurate answer, I do believe that a healthy social life should be a well-balanced one. It might be easy for you to get many friends and hard for you to get 'true' friends, or it might be hard for you to get many friends and much harder for you to get 'true' friends. Whichever the case, 'true' friends are certainly hard to find.

One of the primary reasons why they're so hard to find is because they first start off as friends. And not every friend passes the 'true' friend test. Sometimes you're looking, sometimes you're not. Sometimes a true friendship is born out of a challenge, or an opportunity, but mostly the former. 

When I was a teenager (which was not too long ago!), I used to believe that a friend only becomes a true friend when they stick around after the argument and try to work things out. Would you use a criteria like that? Well, it has its pros and cons.

However, life experience has taught me that it's possible to have a deep friendship with people without having to go through a conflict with them. I didn't fight with my friend V, but I shed tears when V had been hit by a drunk driver. I didn't really fight with my friend Y, but we have discussed many topics in length and in breadth. I'm proud to say that I've a good friendship with both. Can you think of similar examples?

What happens when you *do* fight with your friend? Well, the maturity of both parties comes into play at this point. You could be well-meaning, but your actions become horribly misunderstood and misinterpreted by your friend. Ugh. Conflict management. Your friend doesn't want to hear you out and even if he/she did, anything you say is just further proof that you're out to put him/her down. 

I've had a friend like that. I've tried almost everything I can think of. And all of it was sincere, including my apology. But things don't always work out the way you want them to, even if you acknowledge your mistake and apologise for it. Man, that leads to a serious drain on your emotions. I had to struggle with God for it for so long that in the end, I decided that I could do nothing about it but pray for my friend. I don't mean that in a holier-than-thou way! By praying I mean asking God for His Will and blessings to come upon that person's life.

So you have true friends, the ones you fought with and stayed, and the ones you didn't even have to fight with and still...Then you have friends who didn't quite make it to the true friends list - the ones you fought with and lost and the ones I'm about to talk about next.

In my list of MSN groups, I have a group called 'Look here!' - they are the acquaintances/friends I'm interested in. When you meet someone, you probably classify them based on how interesting they are no? One's 'Boring...!' and the other's 'Hmm, this person's cool' and yet another makes you think "Wow...!"

There are just some people you click with upon meeting! I've had a number of clicks myself. I'm sad to say that I didn't follow up on every one of them. I have good reasons though! Maybe you share the same ones when you didn't really follow up yourself. For example:

1. You don't want to send the wrong signal to this person because he/she shows signs of interest

2. You have other things to do - this includes talking to your closer friends who've already been around for ages

3. You're shy because he/she's hot and confident or quite the looker ;)

Ahh friendship is indeed complicated. Just think of the ones you used to be such good friends with, the ones you lost touch with. Don't you miss them? I do. Sometimes I send a message when I think about them. Sometimes I don't. 

All in all, a relationship is about putting in time and effort. I know this universal, timeless principle and I hope you know it too. I'm glad I found my best friend after a long long time. I've had a couple of best friends before and I still have people I consider best friends (This is contradictory because of the definition of best, I know, but still, people like abusing this don't they?);

But this best friend is special. He knows me inside out, He wants to talk to me *whenever* I look Him up and He even sacrificed Himself and all His privileges for me once. I'm still learning how to love this best friend of mine. One thing is for sure though - He's already made all the time and effort for me and now, the ball is in my court.

A best friend who's always there, who's always listening, who's touch can generate a whole spectrum of emotions, who's able to do crazy, unimaginable things for you, who's already given everything up for you, who's indeed the ideal, perfect best friend in everybody's mind. Wouldn't you want a best friend like that? I would.

*Edit*

At this point, I would like to apologise to everyone I haven't caught up with recently. I will drop random text messages again soon, especially if you bothered to read through this. Not to everyone of course! I still have those 3 reasons in place y'know! Thanks for reading! (:

Hello! How are you today! I hope this piece finds you well. Please do drop me a msg sometime soon. If you don’t already know, I’m in a new environment right now. An army camp that teaches me driving. New instructors and new friends. Which means I have to start doing introductions once again.

I love introductions. It means meeting new people, and you meet some pretty interesting people sometimes. I love the part where you exchange pieces of information about yourself with others. You get to hear stories, lots of stories. Sometimes, you even find out you have a mutual friend somewhere. Yes, so introductions are my thing.

One thing really bothers me though. That’s when people start asking about my GPA. Do you ever get that sinking feeling whenever people ask you about your grades? If your grades are good, asian culture demands your false modesty. If your grades are bad, you have to laugh it off or try to change the subject without them noticing (good luck with that). Of course there are people who don’t mind giving out their GPA. They’ve already come to terms with themselves – Kudos to them for doing so!

If you’ve been in the education system long enough (you qualify as long as you’ve graduated from primary school), you know that after the exam period comes the post-exam activities. No, I’m not talking about the lame ones that the schools organize. I’m referring to the things you’ve always wanted to do during the exams – going out with your friends, playing mahjong, having sleepovers and the like. The post-exam stuff brings on the relief! Sometimes they’re so good at giving relief that they kick in during the exam period (I used to watch *tonnes* of anime during the study “breaks” because...what! don’t look at me that way…!)

Then comes result day. You go to school because you forgot to sign-up for your school’s new SMS-me-my-results-when-they’re-out feature. Or, alternatively, you try using your Maplestory auto-click program on the browser’s refresh button because the server is being jammed up by everyone. Finally, you’re just seconds away from your results. And this, is that moment; That moment that decides the rest of your holiday mood and a lot more...

Grades are a source of anxiety for me. It’s amazing how I always manage to convince myself that my grades won’t turn out well, in spite of all the studying I’d done and all the answers/papers I was confident of.  Some of you are thinking: “You’ve got to be kidding me. This guy? He gets anxious about his grades?”

Yes, I do get anxious about my grades. Achievers, you know what I’m talking about. With a track record, people place their expectations on you. *You* place your expectations on you - “Crap, what am I gonna say if it turns out bad? It’s a jungle out there! People are just waiting to watch me fall. What will they do? Will they laugh at me? Will they talk behind my back?”

Although I’m only twenty-one this year, after several hundred years of experience, I’ve begun to think that this is truly an unhealthy thought pattern. Come on! Do grades really matter that much? Do they even matter at all?

You tell me. You know, I’ve been up on the mountains quite a lot. Have you heard of the cliché “it’s lonely at the top”? It truly is.

If what I’m about to say next sounds proud or arrogant, believe me, I don’t mean it that way. To start it off, I have a cumulative GPA of 3.93/4. I graduated the top of my course and I have already secured my place in a local university. People who know these things about me have one of two reactions, and it largely depends on how close they are to me.

The typical onlooker would think: “So what if he has good grades? So what if he graduated the top of the course? So what if he got into a local U? That guy doesn’t have the important stuff, like a good, nice-smelling personality or a rock-solid good character. He was just proud and hard to work with…”

Okay maybe those aren’t the exact words? I’m sorry, but I know the other group better. They’re my close friends after all, or some of them are just nice friends who know me better. “Wow, that’s really good. He managed to keep it up there for 3 years. Really proud of him!”

Am I writing this as a rant? No, not really. My purpose in writing this is to grapple with the importance of grades.  In my poly years, I’ve heard some really nasty rumours about me. I’ve heard about how bossy people think I am, how arrogant I am, how proud I am, what a show-off I am…you get the picture.  These didn’t bother me at first. I mean…Why should I care about what other people think about me? I’m just being myself.

I thank God that He stopped me in my tracks. There’s a proverb that goes “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” God must’ve really hated pride a lot, because He decided to put me in my rightful place. He started questioning me. And amazingly, He was using a line of reasoning similar to the one seen 3 paragraphs up.

I started to ask myself what was really important - my personality and my ability to win with people, or my desire to be right every single time; my grades or my inner life? Then I realized that this was somewhat a sucker’s choice. I knew that my desire to be right every single time stemmed from pride, but there had to be a way to remove my pride without sacrificing my grades.

I took a long hard look at myself. I started out in poly wanting to do well. I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of studying, that I was capable of getting good results, that I was smart. I was prepared to make a few sacrifices on my reputation here and there because I believed I was right (actually, I was right! I was right about what the tutors wanted from the projects).

But I realized something. My reputation wasn’t the only one I was carrying. I was carrying the reputation of a Christian. Was that what a “life transformed by Jesus” looked like? I didn’t think so.  Suddenly, grades were not so important anymore. With this, I formed a new resolve for year 2, to become a better person, read more self-improvement books and succeed in both my academic and social life.

I made progress. I think. At least that’s what people tell me. But you know, a good change is hardly as noticeable as a bad one. If gossip travelled at the speed of light, then praise travelled like a snail on a mini-scooter. I kept going though. I wanted to improve. But noooooo…..

At the end of year 3, I received the same kind of feedback as the ones I heard from year 1. At this point, I was close to being broken. I worked on myself so hard! Personality isn’t something you can change easily - that’s for sure. I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own.  I needed Jesus to change me. And so I prayed.

I’ve always believed that grades were important. I still believe it. Without good grades, I wouldn’t be able to further my studies. I’d be limited in my choices (I hope you recognize this point..). I’d also have a much lower self-esteem and I wouldn’t try new things out because of the lack of confidence. Without good grades, there’s no position of influence. When there’s no position of influence, you cannot positively influence people, make their lives better, give them the confidence to get better.

But what are grades without a great personality, without a great character? What good is a smart person without love? Earlier on, I said that whenever someone asks about grades, false modesty had to come in. I asked Jesus to change me, to balance my intelligence with wisdom and to balance my wisdom with love. Now, I no longer have to be shy about my grades. I’m proud of my hard work and God’s blessing, but I know that grades are not the point.

So what is the point? The point is not to let your grades define your self-worth. Good grades shouldn’t make you proud, because you’ll always be lacking in character (never stop growing alright?). Bad grades shouldn’t depress you, because there’s more to life than a piece of paper telling you how smart you are in a certain subject.

To the achievers (and the over-achievers), is there anything more important than grades? If you believe there is, does your time-management reflect that belief? To the people who think they are under-achievers, what do you want your future to look like? Would you ever like to influence people positively? What would it take for you to get there?

Balance is about finding your core and building everything around it. A building without strong foundations will fall in a storm. A strong foundation without the building is a meaningless one. 

I was feeling pretty confident. I'd already spent a week working on the Highway Code. The standards were high but the test was supposed to be easy, if you practised enough. I did loads of practice - 2 sets of 175 questions at least 3 times, if not more. I was one of those who managed to get 175/175 for the mock test.

Within 10 minutes of the one-hour paper, I was already out of the class. Some people made it out before me. That just shows how easy it was. They repeated the questions from the practice we'd already done, just as they said they would. But I came across a trick question and decided to go with my 80% accurate gut instinct. No such luck. A mistake was made. 

Walking back to class, the uncomfortable feeling started to grow like a festering wound. My course mates started talking about that question. What a silly decision. How could I not differentiate between a hump and an uneven road warning sign. How did I fall for such a trick question? Now there was no chance of me getting perfect score. It would be a mere 49/50.

Mere?  I thought grades didn't matter to you?

The Holy Spirit has a funny way of bringing things to mind. It wasn't sarcasm for sure. Have you ever had someone ask you an insightful rhetorical question? Most rhetorical questions are supposed to be insightful, but few can achieve an effect as masterfully as the Holy Spirit. After all, I'd just written on how grades weren't important to me. I guess that's one of the benefits of penning down your thoughts. You crystallise your convictions and you talk yourself through your beliefs based on what you've already written.

Have you experienced the end of an exam before? While everyone blocks the doorway to the exit, you start hearing people flip out over the stupid mistakes that they made. Everyone is comparing answers and you start to doubt your own! Even the smart ones who left early hang around just to confirm answers with everyone. One mistake after another starts to present itself. You kinda forget that most exam systems are merit systems, not demerit systems. You start minusing the marks from the full score anyway, as if you got all the other questions right.

I've faced that kind of mistake before. 15 marks question for Business Law. And now, I have this one mistake for Highway Code (the superbly easy test). Everyone knows my GPA, they're all expecting me to get 50/50. Ouch. Now my ego's starting to hurt. It wouldn't have healed that fast if not for the Holy Spirit's intervention.

What do you do with mistakes really? Exams can be quite insignificant after awhile. I mean, you've probably made bigger mistakes in life. Real, life-changing decisions. Perhaps it was something you said to a friend, or picking up a bad habit, or putting someone through Permanent Disability/Death. When it comes to big mistakes like that, there's a period of grieving. We have to let the heart get over its emotions before we can pick ourselves up again and run.

Truth be told, there's no way I can come up with a magic formula for dealing with mistakes. But there's a pattern to how the strong people deal with their mistakes, and this pattern doesn't sidestep the grieving period; In fact, the pattern finds it very necessary.

It all has to do with how we look at our mistakes. Every mistake, unmistakably has a consequence. Sometimes we suffer that consequence, sometimes someone else suffers instead. Sometimes the consequence is huge! And sometimes it is not. You may be tempted to think that some of your repeated mistakes have no consequence. Think again. It could just be delayed judgement, if you believe in such a thing.

Those are about all the dimensions I can think of for consequences, except for the one I want to expand on. The length of the consequence. Often, we measure a consequence by how big and long the consequence is. You say something wrong to a good friend and lose her (it's troublesome typing him/her). She's never coming back. That's huge. And long. And very painful. These are the kind of consequences you have to grieve over. 

But you can't remain there forever. Grieving is good for the heart. It stops you from bottling it up or expressing it wrongly. It's actually the best way to take it to God. To grieve over it in His presence so that He walks through that hurt and pain with you. That's how I got over my mistake. It doesn't downsize my mistake in any way, but it helps me to deal with what I would like to call emotional residue.

Emotional residue is any strong emotion that lingers on in the wake of a mistake. For me, it either comes up as guilt, or as a bruised ego. Whenever someone else suffers because of my mistake, it normally comes up as guilt. I've disrespected someone or caused that person harm, it feels terrible! Whenever my reputation suffers for my mistake, as in the case of my Highway Code Test, I get a bruised ego as my emotional residue.

Asking God to take that away is simply working with the Holy Spirit, who is also called the Spirit of Truth. I find that in such cases, it often helps to ask myself "Truth Versus Lie. What's more important to me?" A cost has already been paid for the mistake. To wallow in it would be doing yourself a great disservice. Many people already know this but do not think of it when they're wallowing in their mistake - that is, we should be learning from our mistakes. Once we learn from it, we can try and avoid it in the future!

When a consequence arises, it arises. We take all the time we need to grieve. We pay our dues and ask God for help with the emotional residue. And then what? We draw the lesson from the mistake. That's what. Except, it's not that easy! Do you always draw the correct lesson from your mistakes? Is it possible to draw the wrong lesson from your mistake?

Incorrectly pronounced dead in the doctor's room, the patient got up and started to walk around. Convinced that he was already dead, he wanted to find his way to heaven. The doctors and nurses, upon recovering from their shock, tried to convince the man that he wasn't dead yet. But this 'dead' man wouldn't hear of it. Heaven was just around the corner! Desperate, one of the new interns decided to poke this dead man's flesh with a needle.

"See, you're bleeding oxygenated blood! You can't be dead!"

With a look of Eureka on the patient's face, he replied "I can't believe it! So dead men *do* bleed oxygenated blood!"

Mistakes are great teachers in life. I definitely would have spelt definitely as definately if I didn't know it was a mistake. For the mistakes with greater and more long-lasting consequences, we shouldn't stay stuck in the past. I like what Tim Hughes and Al Gordon mentioned in one of their podcasts: "Aim for perfection, but settle for excellence"

Don't leave the emotional residue there. It traps you like a bunny in a hamster cage. Guilt will weigh you down and a bruised ego will leave you wallowing in self-pity or worse, in a position where you can and will bring other people down with you. What's the point? Why not let your mistake serve as a lesson in humility? But of course, make sure you draw the right lesson. (:

The boy-girl relationship is an extremely dangerous subject to write about. You have to recognise that there are many angles to the subject ---- to find a group of people who sing the same tune as yourself, is like searching for similar-looking cloud patterns in the sky. Who am I to write on such a delicate subject? *knuckle crack*

Jerald Joseph Lam:

In essence that means I know a lot about relationships. Well, at least I know about my relationships. And I also possess the indirect experience of all my close friends around me; plus, I have read many books on the topic and have also discussed it with many people at length. That should give you an idea of how desperate I once was.

Was. Is. Maybe was. I can't remember when I first started longing for a partner. It was probably in Primary school, from age 12 onwards? I did many stupid things then. Have you ever stalked the person you like before? I hope not. It just makes you look  really creepy. I did it for the attention ---- stalking tends to make a person very aware of you. I didn't know it at the time but what I really wanted from having a partner was attention. 

Maybe you didn't go as far as I did. Maybe you were more of a facebook-stalker (or friendster, if you're as old as I am or older...) than an actual stalker. Or were you more pro-active? Sending random text messages, waiting for his/her name to pop-up on the bottom right of your screen, calling him/her every day under the premise of something important --- All cries for attention.

If anyone answers your desperate cry for attention, that person probably craves attention too. Two attention-seekers giving each other all the attention ever needed, until they become bored of each other. Ah but I've jumped the gun. So you're trying to start a conversation going between him/her...

But what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend? Wait! Some people skip this stage completely! Namely the ones who believe in love at first sight and also, wooing with immediacy. I'm all for being swept up in romance and living life with passion. Unfortunately my idea of being "swept up" is much slower than most people. I can't say I find wisdom in this strategy at all. If you're unlucky enough, that person might just agree to having a relationship with you.

Is it trouble? Really? I believe so. It all depends on how you see people. Every person has a soul; that is, a mind, a will and some emotions. Every person also has a body. Enjoying a person's looks will only last you for awhile. What happens when you start going into the relationships routine? Without a strong friendship undergirding the relationship, flaws will start to pop out one by one (in actuality, this happens even with a strong friendship, but it becomes glaringly obvious without the friendship season), especially in the area of the person's mind, will, and sometimes (unfortunately), emotions (I wonder if you've ever heard of the term 'Emotional Baggage'?) 

Once you're in, you're in. You would be wise not to change your facebook relationship status or upload any photos too soon. If it works out for you, you're the exception (And everyone thinks they will be that exception because of the great chemistry that bubbled up when they first met). If you think back on the relationships that were built on flimsy friendships, would you consider how many came to an end because of a flaw you couldn't stand/accept?

Really, what's the harm in building a friendship first? Are you desperate? Is he/she so popular that you have to woo with immediacy (or accept with immediacy)? If time is of the essence, perhaps that indicates that you need to investigate your motives for wanting a relationship.

For me, a relationship is about spending my life with someone who will climb up my mountains and pass through my valleys. It's also about walking up someone's mountains and passing through someone else's valleys. It's about having that deep intimacy between souls, just as the Designer of relationships had intended. To possess such deep intimacy, wouldn't you agree that some form of commitment is needed? Imagine if you had someone to pour your heart out to regularly, and this someone decides to disappear and not talk to you for awhile because he/she feels like it. How would that make you feel?

I like Joshua Harris' central tenet in his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (excellent read btw): The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Let's go back to my question ---what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend?--- and assume that you two have become good friends. Now what? The relationship?

Here I will provide no answers, for I know no correct answers. For every answer that I give, someone will find me an exception. But I find it helpful to think about it logically, so let's start from the end in mind. If the ultimate goal is to share your life with a partner in marriage (I hope this is the ultimate goal), then you would need to be ready for marriage. Over-conservative? Then please offer my something better. Have the relationship last for an indefinite period of time until there is a strong, valid reason to break up? What a waste of time, money and emotion. Remain unmarried and enjoy all the benefits of a married couple? Well, who's to say that he/she won't just walk out on you one day? Will you ever build a family from that, or a home for that matter?

Ready for marriage how? Hmm. Spiritually. Mentally. Financially. Socially. Hard to reach the perfect life-stage? Well, at least have some muscles in those areas. Enough for a relationship, at least. Case in point: How many people enter into a relationship without the necessary maturity for conflict management?

So here we have our decision criteria, simply by going through a few questions. Why do you want a relationship? Are you ready to have a relationship (in terms of spirituality, mentality, maturity and reality)? What is the ultimate goal of your relationship? 

Singlehood is not such a bad thing. I'm not saying that I will never get into a relationship. I'm saying that there's a proper life-stage for it but at present, let's think about it this way: There's the gift of being one (with another) and the gift of simply being, one! When you're not attached, you can focus on many other aspects of your life. Have you noticed that some life stages demand that you put more effort and energy into certain things like studying, working, exercising, etc? Perhaps widening your social circle or your list of options is more important for now. Honestly, the marshmallow can wait, can't it? (:

Black Riders. Frodo and his company had been running from them for a few days now. This was still part of the Shire, but it already felt unsafe. Fortunately, Gildor and a few other high-elves were on their way to the Great Sea. The Elves had unknowingly chased away the Black Riders for the hobbits. The Ring was safe for now. Frodo, was safe for now. 

It was indeed fortunate that the Elves had come along, but the Elves had their own journey to make --- their protection was only temporary. Something else was bothering Frodo. This journey was supposed to be a safer one; Gandalf was expected to show up the day they left Bag End. Now Frodo had to decide whether to wait for Gandalf or not.

*Extract from The Fellowship of the Ring - J R R Tolkien:

Gildor was silent for a moment. 'I do not like this news,' he said at last. 'That Gandalf should be late, does not bode well. But it is said: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. The choice is yours: to go or wait.'

'And it is also said,' answered Frodo: 'Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.'

'Is it indeed?' laughed Gildor. 'Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.'

Indeed, all courses may run ill. That is probably what makes advice so dangerous --- even the best ones can lead to misfortune. Sometimes, good intentions are not enough. Tact and caution come into play when offering any words of counsel. 

Has your advice ever been bad? In my years of giving advice, I have lost a few friends here and there. I wish I had been wiser then, I wish those people would forgive me even now. But that, is the price I'm paying to learn some precious lessons on friendship. 

And lesson number one is putting yourself in someone else's shoes. If you have a problem and you want to talk about it, what do you want most from the listener? A listening ear, or advice? Some people tell me it's the latter. What's the point of talking if no solution can be offered? This normally comes with the age old stereotyping of men and women, where men hear a problem and offer advice, where women hear a problem and nod in empathetic affirmation. 

My guess is, both are helpful in different ways. A listening ear allows the speaker to share his/her heart, while advice helps the speaker to deal with problems in a practical manner. It would be a definite no-no, in my opinion, to give advice to someone who wants a listening ear, or, in the alternate case, to purely listen to the story of someone who wants real, practical help.

The best thing to do in this case is to ask a very simple, narrowing question: What would you like from me? This stops us from offering unsolicited advice too quickly. Very often we give advice when we don't know all the details of the story. This has happened to me many times.

Often, when I hear a fleshed-out problem, I quickly start offering advice and solutions. At this point, the person starts considering the advice for its merits and worse, for its flaws. The advice given quickly loses its workability once the person starts sharing other hidden facts that were unknown during the first telling of the story. 

When we ask what that person would like from us, we give them the power to decide whether they only want a listening ear, or something more. When they do start asking for advice, you now have the permission to carry on with presenting your thoughts based on what you already know. Even if flaws start to show up during the presentation, you will not be shot down for giving the advice because permission has already been granted. From there, you can modify your advice according to the hidden facts have been revealed. 

Unsolicited advice is just one of the problems. What if you gave advice with permission and your advice didn't really go as planned? What if he/she starts to blame you for your lousy advice? Well, the countermeasures start when you're giving the advice. 

I've learned that options are always better than instructional advice. The former puts all the cards on the table and allows him/her to choose from the most viable and desirable one. The latter tells the person what to do. This form is weaker because of the shift in responsibility from the advice-taker to the advice-giver.

If Gildor told Frodo to stay and wait for Gandalf, the Black Riders would have probably arrived first (since the old man was away on important Ring-business) and the One Ring would've been returned to its original master, causing all of Middle-Earth to suffer in the end. Gildor would have been held responsible, for he, as a respected and wise High-elf, had instructed the ignorant hobbit wrongly. That's why Gildor hesitates to offer instructional advice. Instead he gives Frodo the choice: to go or wait.

I've also learned the importance of spelling out the pros, cons and the possible consequences of each option. The more consequences you can think of, the more prepared the advice-taker would be. Any backfiring would have some padding to absorb most of the shock. Pros and cons can help the person to justify why he/she picked that particular piece of advice, which you can remind them of in the event of any backfiring.

Ultimately, I learned that it is best not to give any advice, because the best advice tends to come from within them. As a listener, the most blessed thing we can do is to help ask clarifying questions and logically process the problem with them. At the end of the processing, they will usually have come up with the answers themselves. 

Do I consider this piece a waste of time? It depends. Are you a person who gives advice regularly? Do people come to you for help sometimes? I'd probably say this piece is a waste of your time if you answered no to either questions. But I don't consider it a waste of time, because I've seen plenty of friendships/impressions ruined by lousy, unsolicited advice.

To me, advice is like the bubbles blown from the soap and stick. If you handle them with care, they will float up to the sky slow and steady. But if you simply blow with careless strength, they'll end up bursting in your face.

Have you ever come to the end of the day thinking: "crap, unproductive once again!?" I have. I'll start the day off by determining what I want to get done, and then I'll run into my old friend (Mr. Procrastination), and following that, he'll invite me to spend my time on some meaningless, unimportant and/or non-urgent activity (like writing notes on Facebook for instance! nah I'm kidding, I love you guys!)

What could be worse than spending your day on meaningless rubbish? Nothing! Or is it really nothing? Perhaps there *is* something worse than spending your time on pointless garbage, that is: Spending your time and effort on something you thought to be important, only to find out that it wasn't so important after all.

Let's stretch the time frame further than a single day. Lets' talk about seasons. Let's talk about stages in life. In every season, we're always pre-occupied with what I'd like to call, projects. These projects vary from person to person, from time to time and from place to place. For you, it could literally be your school projects, or much more than that. It could be your dance/council cca, or it could be learning a new instrument. If you're serving the nation like me, your project could be to keep fit and learn proper leadership. Your project could also be a person ---- someone you're interested in perhaps? (I never thought this possible until I heard a youth pastor share at Teens Xcite last Saturday)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all your pursuits or projects are meaningless. I have projects of my own! Who doesn't? So no, I'm not going to say that we should put down all these projects because they are a waste of time. I believe they're not. If they were, you'd probably recognise it after awhile and kick it out of your life!

But when all is said and done, when you've reached the end in mind, the goal of your project, what happens next? Easy, we start out on another major project. Sometimes we even change the nature of our project!  For instance, you might decide to start learning a new instrument to take your mind off the guy who rejected you on Valentine's day --- now that's what I call a shift in project nature. 

If you ask me who my favourite actor/movie storyline writer is, I would probably say Adam Sandler. Sure, he's made some pretty lame films like Don't mess with the Zohan, but I really like his shows because they often deliver a good blend of humour and insight. One movie I was particularly impressed by was Click! His character, Michael Newman, had been given a remote control for life and he was able to fast forward through the things that really bored him (one of which seemed to be making love to his wife. strange huh?)

When Michael fast forwarded himself till he became a writhing old man, there was nothing but regret on his face. He realised that he hadn't really lived. Fast forwarding himself through the fights, the long time frames before the great promotion, the irritating quarrels amongst his kids, Michael had effectively cut away a huge part of his life. It took away from the idea of living.

Would you want to be in his position? To look back and realise how unimportant those little projects (you worked oh so hard on) were compared to what life was meant to be like? How do you know what life was meant to be like? How should I know? I know someone who knows, and I keep asking Him what life should be like, and not surprisingly, the answers always come in parts. Yet, it is enough, for the answers always come to my heart whenever I ask. Even if it's not an immediate one.

Heart time is about stopping to listen. Yes, the past can be filled with joyful memories and regretful moments. Yes, the future can be filled with bleak pictures or wonderful dreams. And yes, the present can be filled with beautiful things and ugly things. To have heart time is to stop and reflect on the past, learn from it and try and create a better future. To have heart time is to stop and dream about the future and determine how to best get there. To have heart time is to stop and notice the things happening in the present, things that we normally overlook all the time. To have heart time is to stop and learn from the past, live in the present and look to the future.

Like the great force of gravity, the momentum of life, particularly here in Singapore, sucks us into an endless routine of things. That's probably why we feel that sense of futility so often. It takes conscious (and sometimes excruciatingly painful) effort to stop yourself and take a listen to what your heart is saying ----- these projects might be important, could there be something far more important than them? Honestly, what would you like your life to look like in 20 years time? 

You can always say that you want to achieve your big dreams in life: grow deep with God, start a family and live happily ever after, get insanely rich and so on. But whatever your goal is, the little steps you take every day will determine whether or not you reach that goal or not.  To me, avoiding regret simply means selecting the right goal/payoff from the very beginning. Perhaps the best question to help you do this is the one called  'So what?' 

Let's say your goal is to get X. X could be a person, a degree, a skill, a relationship, etc. Now tag it to the so-what question. So what if I have X? What would I still be missing? When you keep asking yourself a question like that, you'll strip away all the unimportant things and find out the true desire of your heart. I hope that your ultimate desire will be a meaningful one, one that you will not regret in 20 years' time. 

I hope this has been helpful. I still waste time on unimportant projects quite a lot, but this piece will help to serve as a reminder for me to focus on what's really important in life. My wish is that it'll also help you to think a little bit more about having a little Heart Time for yourself. Remember, finding your ultimate desire is only the beginning.

"You might be on the right track, but you'll just get run over if you sit there" - Will Rogers

Hello! I had a very interesting subject on my mind today. Friendship. No, I'm not writing about this because I lost a friend. I'm writing about this because of the many different friends who've made an impact in my life. I suppose most people, when writing about friendship, mainly focus on what true friendship is. That's probably because everyone wants a true friend. Don't you?

If you've had some experience in life, you've probably stumbled upon this question before: Would I rather have one true friend or many average friends? This question strikes at very interesting moments - when a true friend lovingly tells you something negative about yourself, when you see a popular queen-bee surrounded by shallow friends, or when you start looking through your friends list on Facebook! (Believe me, it has happened before)

While I don't have the 100% complete accurate answer, I do believe that a healthy social life should be a well-balanced one. It might be easy for you to get many friends and hard for you to get 'true' friends, or it might be hard for you to get many friends and much harder for you to get 'true' friends. Whichever the case, 'true' friends are certainly hard to find.

One of the primary reasons why they're so hard to find is because they first start off as friends. And not every friend passes the 'true' friend test. Sometimes you're looking, sometimes you're not. Sometimes a true friendship is born out of a challenge, or an opportunity, but mostly the former. 

When I was a teenager (which was not too long ago!), I used to believe that a friend only becomes a true friend when they stick around after the argument and try to work things out. Would you use a criteria like that? Well, it has its pros and cons.

However, life experience has taught me that it's possible to have a deep friendship with people without having to go through a conflict with them. I didn't fight with my friend V, but I shed tears when V had been hit by a drunk driver. I didn't really fight with my friend Y, but we have discussed many topics in length and in breadth. I'm proud to say that I've a good friendship with both. Can you think of similar examples?

What happens when you *do* fight with your friend? Well, the maturity of both parties comes into play at this point. You could be well-meaning, but your actions become horribly misunderstood and misinterpreted by your friend. Ugh. Conflict management. Your friend doesn't want to hear you out and even if he/she did, anything you say is just further proof that you're out to put him/her down. 

I've had a friend like that. I've tried almost everything I can think of. And all of it was sincere, including my apology. But things don't always work out the way you want them to, even if you acknowledge your mistake and apologise for it. Man, that leads to a serious drain on your emotions. I had to struggle with God for it for so long that in the end, I decided that I could do nothing about it but pray for my friend. I don't mean that in a holier-than-thou way! By praying I mean asking God for His Will and blessings to come upon that person's life.

So you have true friends, the ones you fought with and stayed, and the ones you didn't even have to fight with and still...Then you have friends who didn't quite make it to the true friends list - the ones you fought with and lost and the ones I'm about to talk about next.

In my list of MSN groups, I have a group called 'Look here!' - they are the acquaintances/friends I'm interested in. When you meet someone, you probably classify them based on how interesting they are no? One's 'Boring...!' and the other's 'Hmm, this person's cool' and yet another makes you think "Wow...!"

There are just some people you click with upon meeting! I've had a number of clicks myself. I'm sad to say that I didn't follow up on every one of them. I have good reasons though! Maybe you share the same ones when you didn't really follow up yourself. For example:

1. You don't want to send the wrong signal to this person because he/she shows signs of interest

2. You have other things to do - this includes talking to your closer friends who've already been around for ages

3. You're shy because he/she's hot and confident or quite the looker ;)

Ahh friendship is indeed complicated. Just think of the ones you used to be such good friends with, the ones you lost touch with. Don't you miss them? I do. Sometimes I send a message when I think about them. Sometimes I don't. 

All in all, a relationship is about putting in time and effort. I know this universal, timeless principle and I hope you know it too. I'm glad I found my best friend after a long long time. I've had a couple of best friends before and I still have people I consider best friends (This is contradictory because of the definition of best, I know, but still, people like abusing this don't they?);

But this best friend is special. He knows me inside out, He wants to talk to me *whenever* I look Him up and He even sacrificed Himself and all His privileges for me once. I'm still learning how to love this best friend of mine. One thing is for sure though - He's already made all the time and effort for me and now, the ball is in my court.

A best friend who's always there, who's always listening, who's touch can generate a whole spectrum of emotions, who's able to do crazy, unimaginable things for you, who's already given everything up for you, who's indeed the ideal, perfect best friend in everybody's mind. Wouldn't you want a best friend like that? I would.

*Edit*

At this point, I would like to apologise to everyone I haven't caught up with recently. I will drop random text messages again soon, especially if you bothered to read through this. Not to everyone of course! I still have those 3 reasons in place y'know! Thanks for reading! (:

Hello! How are you today! I hope this piece finds you well. Please do drop me a msg sometime soon. If you don’t already know, I’m in a new environment right now. An army camp that teaches me driving. New instructors and new friends. Which means I have to start doing introductions once again.

I love introductions. It means meeting new people, and you meet some pretty interesting people sometimes. I love the part where you exchange pieces of information about yourself with others. You get to hear stories, lots of stories. Sometimes, you even find out you have a mutual friend somewhere. Yes, so introductions are my thing.

One thing really bothers me though. That’s when people start asking about my GPA. Do you ever get that sinking feeling whenever people ask you about your grades? If your grades are good, asian culture demands your false modesty. If your grades are bad, you have to laugh it off or try to change the subject without them noticing (good luck with that). Of course there are people who don’t mind giving out their GPA. They’ve already come to terms with themselves – Kudos to them for doing so!

If you’ve been in the education system long enough (you qualify as long as you’ve graduated from primary school), you know that after the exam period comes the post-exam activities. No, I’m not talking about the lame ones that the schools organize. I’m referring to the things you’ve always wanted to do during the exams – going out with your friends, playing mahjong, having sleepovers and the like. The post-exam stuff brings on the relief! Sometimes they’re so good at giving relief that they kick in during the exam period (I used to watch *tonnes* of anime during the study “breaks” because...what! don’t look at me that way…!)

Then comes result day. You go to school because you forgot to sign-up for your school’s new SMS-me-my-results-when-they’re-out feature. Or, alternatively, you try using your Maplestory auto-click program on the browser’s refresh button because the server is being jammed up by everyone. Finally, you’re just seconds away from your results. And this, is that moment; That moment that decides the rest of your holiday mood and a lot more...

Grades are a source of anxiety for me. It’s amazing how I always manage to convince myself that my grades won’t turn out well, in spite of all the studying I’d done and all the answers/papers I was confident of.  Some of you are thinking: “You’ve got to be kidding me. This guy? He gets anxious about his grades?”

Yes, I do get anxious about my grades. Achievers, you know what I’m talking about. With a track record, people place their expectations on you. *You* place your expectations on you - “Crap, what am I gonna say if it turns out bad? It’s a jungle out there! People are just waiting to watch me fall. What will they do? Will they laugh at me? Will they talk behind my back?”

Although I’m only twenty-one this year, after several hundred years of experience, I’ve begun to think that this is truly an unhealthy thought pattern. Come on! Do grades really matter that much? Do they even matter at all?

You tell me. You know, I’ve been up on the mountains quite a lot. Have you heard of the cliché “it’s lonely at the top”? It truly is.

If what I’m about to say next sounds proud or arrogant, believe me, I don’t mean it that way. To start it off, I have a cumulative GPA of 3.93/4. I graduated the top of my course and I have already secured my place in a local university. People who know these things about me have one of two reactions, and it largely depends on how close they are to me.

The typical onlooker would think: “So what if he has good grades? So what if he graduated the top of the course? So what if he got into a local U? That guy doesn’t have the important stuff, like a good, nice-smelling personality or a rock-solid good character. He was just proud and hard to work with…”

Okay maybe those aren’t the exact words? I’m sorry, but I know the other group better. They’re my close friends after all, or some of them are just nice friends who know me better. “Wow, that’s really good. He managed to keep it up there for 3 years. Really proud of him!”

Am I writing this as a rant? No, not really. My purpose in writing this is to grapple with the importance of grades.  In my poly years, I’ve heard some really nasty rumours about me. I’ve heard about how bossy people think I am, how arrogant I am, how proud I am, what a show-off I am…you get the picture.  These didn’t bother me at first. I mean…Why should I care about what other people think about me? I’m just being myself.

I thank God that He stopped me in my tracks. There’s a proverb that goes “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” God must’ve really hated pride a lot, because He decided to put me in my rightful place. He started questioning me. And amazingly, He was using a line of reasoning similar to the one seen 3 paragraphs up.

I started to ask myself what was really important - my personality and my ability to win with people, or my desire to be right every single time; my grades or my inner life? Then I realized that this was somewhat a sucker’s choice. I knew that my desire to be right every single time stemmed from pride, but there had to be a way to remove my pride without sacrificing my grades.

I took a long hard look at myself. I started out in poly wanting to do well. I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of studying, that I was capable of getting good results, that I was smart. I was prepared to make a few sacrifices on my reputation here and there because I believed I was right (actually, I was right! I was right about what the tutors wanted from the projects).

But I realized something. My reputation wasn’t the only one I was carrying. I was carrying the reputation of a Christian. Was that what a “life transformed by Jesus” looked like? I didn’t think so.  Suddenly, grades were not so important anymore. With this, I formed a new resolve for year 2, to become a better person, read more self-improvement books and succeed in both my academic and social life.

I made progress. I think. At least that’s what people tell me. But you know, a good change is hardly as noticeable as a bad one. If gossip travelled at the speed of light, then praise travelled like a snail on a mini-scooter. I kept going though. I wanted to improve. But noooooo…..

At the end of year 3, I received the same kind of feedback as the ones I heard from year 1. At this point, I was close to being broken. I worked on myself so hard! Personality isn’t something you can change easily - that’s for sure. I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own.  I needed Jesus to change me. And so I prayed.

I’ve always believed that grades were important. I still believe it. Without good grades, I wouldn’t be able to further my studies. I’d be limited in my choices (I hope you recognize this point..). I’d also have a much lower self-esteem and I wouldn’t try new things out because of the lack of confidence. Without good grades, there’s no position of influence. When there’s no position of influence, you cannot positively influence people, make their lives better, give them the confidence to get better.

But what are grades without a great personality, without a great character? What good is a smart person without love? Earlier on, I said that whenever someone asks about grades, false modesty had to come in. I asked Jesus to change me, to balance my intelligence with wisdom and to balance my wisdom with love. Now, I no longer have to be shy about my grades. I’m proud of my hard work and God’s blessing, but I know that grades are not the point.

So what is the point? The point is not to let your grades define your self-worth. Good grades shouldn’t make you proud, because you’ll always be lacking in character (never stop growing alright?). Bad grades shouldn’t depress you, because there’s more to life than a piece of paper telling you how smart you are in a certain subject.

To the achievers (and the over-achievers), is there anything more important than grades? If you believe there is, does your time-management reflect that belief? To the people who think they are under-achievers, what do you want your future to look like? Would you ever like to influence people positively? What would it take for you to get there?

Balance is about finding your core and building everything around it. A building without strong foundations will fall in a storm. A strong foundation without the building is a meaningless one. 

I was feeling pretty confident. I'd already spent a week working on the Highway Code. The standards were high but the test was supposed to be easy, if you practised enough. I did loads of practice - 2 sets of 175 questions at least 3 times, if not more. I was one of those who managed to get 175/175 for the mock test.

Within 10 minutes of the one-hour paper, I was already out of the class. Some people made it out before me. That just shows how easy it was. They repeated the questions from the practice we'd already done, just as they said they would. But I came across a trick question and decided to go with my 80% accurate gut instinct. No such luck. A mistake was made. 

Walking back to class, the uncomfortable feeling started to grow like a festering wound. My course mates started talking about that question. What a silly decision. How could I not differentiate between a hump and an uneven road warning sign. How did I fall for such a trick question? Now there was no chance of me getting perfect score. It would be a mere 49/50.

Mere?  I thought grades didn't matter to you?

The Holy Spirit has a funny way of bringing things to mind. It wasn't sarcasm for sure. Have you ever had someone ask you an insightful rhetorical question? Most rhetorical questions are supposed to be insightful, but few can achieve an effect as masterfully as the Holy Spirit. After all, I'd just written on how grades weren't important to me. I guess that's one of the benefits of penning down your thoughts. You crystallise your convictions and you talk yourself through your beliefs based on what you've already written.

Have you experienced the end of an exam before? While everyone blocks the doorway to the exit, you start hearing people flip out over the stupid mistakes that they made. Everyone is comparing answers and you start to doubt your own! Even the smart ones who left early hang around just to confirm answers with everyone. One mistake after another starts to present itself. You kinda forget that most exam systems are merit systems, not demerit systems. You start minusing the marks from the full score anyway, as if you got all the other questions right.

I've faced that kind of mistake before. 15 marks question for Business Law. And now, I have this one mistake for Highway Code (the superbly easy test). Everyone knows my GPA, they're all expecting me to get 50/50. Ouch. Now my ego's starting to hurt. It wouldn't have healed that fast if not for the Holy Spirit's intervention.

What do you do with mistakes really? Exams can be quite insignificant after awhile. I mean, you've probably made bigger mistakes in life. Real, life-changing decisions. Perhaps it was something you said to a friend, or picking up a bad habit, or putting someone through Permanent Disability/Death. When it comes to big mistakes like that, there's a period of grieving. We have to let the heart get over its emotions before we can pick ourselves up again and run.

Truth be told, there's no way I can come up with a magic formula for dealing with mistakes. But there's a pattern to how the strong people deal with their mistakes, and this pattern doesn't sidestep the grieving period; In fact, the pattern finds it very necessary.

It all has to do with how we look at our mistakes. Every mistake, unmistakably has a consequence. Sometimes we suffer that consequence, sometimes someone else suffers instead. Sometimes the consequence is huge! And sometimes it is not. You may be tempted to think that some of your repeated mistakes have no consequence. Think again. It could just be delayed judgement, if you believe in such a thing.

Those are about all the dimensions I can think of for consequences, except for the one I want to expand on. The length of the consequence. Often, we measure a consequence by how big and long the consequence is. You say something wrong to a good friend and lose her (it's troublesome typing him/her). She's never coming back. That's huge. And long. And very painful. These are the kind of consequences you have to grieve over. 

But you can't remain there forever. Grieving is good for the heart. It stops you from bottling it up or expressing it wrongly. It's actually the best way to take it to God. To grieve over it in His presence so that He walks through that hurt and pain with you. That's how I got over my mistake. It doesn't downsize my mistake in any way, but it helps me to deal with what I would like to call emotional residue.

Emotional residue is any strong emotion that lingers on in the wake of a mistake. For me, it either comes up as guilt, or as a bruised ego. Whenever someone else suffers because of my mistake, it normally comes up as guilt. I've disrespected someone or caused that person harm, it feels terrible! Whenever my reputation suffers for my mistake, as in the case of my Highway Code Test, I get a bruised ego as my emotional residue.

Asking God to take that away is simply working with the Holy Spirit, who is also called the Spirit of Truth. I find that in such cases, it often helps to ask myself "Truth Versus Lie. What's more important to me?" A cost has already been paid for the mistake. To wallow in it would be doing yourself a great disservice. Many people already know this but do not think of it when they're wallowing in their mistake - that is, we should be learning from our mistakes. Once we learn from it, we can try and avoid it in the future!

When a consequence arises, it arises. We take all the time we need to grieve. We pay our dues and ask God for help with the emotional residue. And then what? We draw the lesson from the mistake. That's what. Except, it's not that easy! Do you always draw the correct lesson from your mistakes? Is it possible to draw the wrong lesson from your mistake?

Incorrectly pronounced dead in the doctor's room, the patient got up and started to walk around. Convinced that he was already dead, he wanted to find his way to heaven. The doctors and nurses, upon recovering from their shock, tried to convince the man that he wasn't dead yet. But this 'dead' man wouldn't hear of it. Heaven was just around the corner! Desperate, one of the new interns decided to poke this dead man's flesh with a needle.

"See, you're bleeding oxygenated blood! You can't be dead!"

With a look of Eureka on the patient's face, he replied "I can't believe it! So dead men *do* bleed oxygenated blood!"

Mistakes are great teachers in life. I definitely would have spelt definitely as definately if I didn't know it was a mistake. For the mistakes with greater and more long-lasting consequences, we shouldn't stay stuck in the past. I like what Tim Hughes and Al Gordon mentioned in one of their podcasts: "Aim for perfection, but settle for excellence"

Don't leave the emotional residue there. It traps you like a bunny in a hamster cage. Guilt will weigh you down and a bruised ego will leave you wallowing in self-pity or worse, in a position where you can and will bring other people down with you. What's the point? Why not let your mistake serve as a lesson in humility? But of course, make sure you draw the right lesson. (:

The boy-girl relationship is an extremely dangerous subject to write about. You have to recognise that there are many angles to the subject ---- to find a group of people who sing the same tune as yourself, is like searching for similar-looking cloud patterns in the sky. Who am I to write on such a delicate subject? *knuckle crack*

Jerald Joseph Lam:

In essence that means I know a lot about relationships. Well, at least I know about my relationships. And I also possess the indirect experience of all my close friends around me; plus, I have read many books on the topic and have also discussed it with many people at length. That should give you an idea of how desperate I once was.

Was. Is. Maybe was. I can't remember when I first started longing for a partner. It was probably in Primary school, from age 12 onwards? I did many stupid things then. Have you ever stalked the person you like before? I hope not. It just makes you look  really creepy. I did it for the attention ---- stalking tends to make a person very aware of you. I didn't know it at the time but what I really wanted from having a partner was attention. 

Maybe you didn't go as far as I did. Maybe you were more of a facebook-stalker (or friendster, if you're as old as I am or older...) than an actual stalker. Or were you more pro-active? Sending random text messages, waiting for his/her name to pop-up on the bottom right of your screen, calling him/her every day under the premise of something important --- All cries for attention.

If anyone answers your desperate cry for attention, that person probably craves attention too. Two attention-seekers giving each other all the attention ever needed, until they become bored of each other. Ah but I've jumped the gun. So you're trying to start a conversation going between him/her...

But what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend? Wait! Some people skip this stage completely! Namely the ones who believe in love at first sight and also, wooing with immediacy. I'm all for being swept up in romance and living life with passion. Unfortunately my idea of being "swept up" is much slower than most people. I can't say I find wisdom in this strategy at all. If you're unlucky enough, that person might just agree to having a relationship with you.

Is it trouble? Really? I believe so. It all depends on how you see people. Every person has a soul; that is, a mind, a will and some emotions. Every person also has a body. Enjoying a person's looks will only last you for awhile. What happens when you start going into the relationships routine? Without a strong friendship undergirding the relationship, flaws will start to pop out one by one (in actuality, this happens even with a strong friendship, but it becomes glaringly obvious without the friendship season), especially in the area of the person's mind, will, and sometimes (unfortunately), emotions (I wonder if you've ever heard of the term 'Emotional Baggage'?) 

Once you're in, you're in. You would be wise not to change your facebook relationship status or upload any photos too soon. If it works out for you, you're the exception (And everyone thinks they will be that exception because of the great chemistry that bubbled up when they first met). If you think back on the relationships that were built on flimsy friendships, would you consider how many came to an end because of a flaw you couldn't stand/accept?

Really, what's the harm in building a friendship first? Are you desperate? Is he/she so popular that you have to woo with immediacy (or accept with immediacy)? If time is of the essence, perhaps that indicates that you need to investigate your motives for wanting a relationship.

For me, a relationship is about spending my life with someone who will climb up my mountains and pass through my valleys. It's also about walking up someone's mountains and passing through someone else's valleys. It's about having that deep intimacy between souls, just as the Designer of relationships had intended. To possess such deep intimacy, wouldn't you agree that some form of commitment is needed? Imagine if you had someone to pour your heart out to regularly, and this someone decides to disappear and not talk to you for awhile because he/she feels like it. How would that make you feel?

I like Joshua Harris' central tenet in his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (excellent read btw): The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Let's go back to my question ---what happens when you start to know him/her as a friend?--- and assume that you two have become good friends. Now what? The relationship?

Here I will provide no answers, for I know no correct answers. For every answer that I give, someone will find me an exception. But I find it helpful to think about it logically, so let's start from the end in mind. If the ultimate goal is to share your life with a partner in marriage (I hope this is the ultimate goal), then you would need to be ready for marriage. Over-conservative? Then please offer my something better. Have the relationship last for an indefinite period of time until there is a strong, valid reason to break up? What a waste of time, money and emotion. Remain unmarried and enjoy all the benefits of a married couple? Well, who's to say that he/she won't just walk out on you one day? Will you ever build a family from that, or a home for that matter?

Ready for marriage how? Hmm. Spiritually. Mentally. Financially. Socially. Hard to reach the perfect life-stage? Well, at least have some muscles in those areas. Enough for a relationship, at least. Case in point: How many people enter into a relationship without the necessary maturity for conflict management?

So here we have our decision criteria, simply by going through a few questions. Why do you want a relationship? Are you ready to have a relationship (in terms of spirituality, mentality, maturity and reality)? What is the ultimate goal of your relationship? 

Singlehood is not such a bad thing. I'm not saying that I will never get into a relationship. I'm saying that there's a proper life-stage for it but at present, let's think about it this way: There's the gift of being one (with another) and the gift of simply being, one! When you're not attached, you can focus on many other aspects of your life. Have you noticed that some life stages demand that you put more effort and energy into certain things like studying, working, exercising, etc? Perhaps widening your social circle or your list of options is more important for now. Honestly, the marshmallow can wait, can't it? (:

Black Riders. Frodo and his company had been running from them for a few days now. This was still part of the Shire, but it already felt unsafe. Fortunately, Gildor and a few other high-elves were on their way to the Great Sea. The Elves had unknowingly chased away the Black Riders for the hobbits. The Ring was safe for now. Frodo, was safe for now. 

It was indeed fortunate that the Elves had come along, but the Elves had their own journey to make --- their protection was only temporary. Something else was bothering Frodo. This journey was supposed to be a safer one; Gandalf was expected to show up the day they left Bag End. Now Frodo had to decide whether to wait for Gandalf or not.

*Extract from The Fellowship of the Ring - J R R Tolkien:

Gildor was silent for a moment. 'I do not like this news,' he said at last. 'That Gandalf should be late, does not bode well. But it is said: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. The choice is yours: to go or wait.'

'And it is also said,' answered Frodo: 'Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.'

'Is it indeed?' laughed Gildor. 'Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.'

Indeed, all courses may run ill. That is probably what makes advice so dangerous --- even the best ones can lead to misfortune. Sometimes, good intentions are not enough. Tact and caution come into play when offering any words of counsel. 

Has your advice ever been bad? In my years of giving advice, I have lost a few friends here and there. I wish I had been wiser then, I wish those people would forgive me even now. But that, is the price I'm paying to learn some precious lessons on friendship. 

And lesson number one is putting yourself in someone else's shoes. If you have a problem and you want to talk about it, what do you want most from the listener? A listening ear, or advice? Some people tell me it's the latter. What's the point of talking if no solution can be offered? This normally comes with the age old stereotyping of men and women, where men hear a problem and offer advice, where women hear a problem and nod in empathetic affirmation. 

My guess is, both are helpful in different ways. A listening ear allows the speaker to share his/her heart, while advice helps the speaker to deal with problems in a practical manner. It would be a definite no-no, in my opinion, to give advice to someone who wants a listening ear, or, in the alternate case, to purely listen to the story of someone who wants real, practical help.

The best thing to do in this case is to ask a very simple, narrowing question: What would you like from me? This stops us from offering unsolicited advice too quickly. Very often we give advice when we don't know all the details of the story. This has happened to me many times.

Often, when I hear a fleshed-out problem, I quickly start offering advice and solutions. At this point, the person starts considering the advice for its merits and worse, for its flaws. The advice given quickly loses its workability once the person starts sharing other hidden facts that were unknown during the first telling of the story. 

When we ask what that person would like from us, we give them the power to decide whether they only want a listening ear, or something more. When they do start asking for advice, you now have the permission to carry on with presenting your thoughts based on what you already know. Even if flaws start to show up during the presentation, you will not be shot down for giving the advice because permission has already been granted. From there, you can modify your advice according to the hidden facts have been revealed. 

Unsolicited advice is just one of the problems. What if you gave advice with permission and your advice didn't really go as planned? What if he/she starts to blame you for your lousy advice? Well, the countermeasures start when you're giving the advice. 

I've learned that options are always better than instructional advice. The former puts all the cards on the table and allows him/her to choose from the most viable and desirable one. The latter tells the person what to do. This form is weaker because of the shift in responsibility from the advice-taker to the advice-giver.

If Gildor told Frodo to stay and wait for Gandalf, the Black Riders would have probably arrived first (since the old man was away on important Ring-business) and the One Ring would've been returned to its original master, causing all of Middle-Earth to suffer in the end. Gildor would have been held responsible, for he, as a respected and wise High-elf, had instructed the ignorant hobbit wrongly. That's why Gildor hesitates to offer instructional advice. Instead he gives Frodo the choice: to go or wait.

I've also learned the importance of spelling out the pros, cons and the possible consequences of each option. The more consequences you can think of, the more prepared the advice-taker would be. Any backfiring would have some padding to absorb most of the shock. Pros and cons can help the person to justify why he/she picked that particular piece of advice, which you can remind them of in the event of any backfiring.

Ultimately, I learned that it is best not to give any advice, because the best advice tends to come from within them. As a listener, the most blessed thing we can do is to help ask clarifying questions and logically process the problem with them. At the end of the processing, they will usually have come up with the answers themselves. 

Do I consider this piece a waste of time? It depends. Are you a person who gives advice regularly? Do people come to you for help sometimes? I'd probably say this piece is a waste of your time if you answered no to either questions. But I don't consider it a waste of time, because I've seen plenty of friendships/impressions ruined by lousy, unsolicited advice.

To me, advice is like the bubbles blown from the soap and stick. If you handle them with care, they will float up to the sky slow and steady. But if you simply blow with careless strength, they'll end up bursting in your face.

Have you ever come to the end of the day thinking: "crap, unproductive once again!?" I have. I'll start the day off by determining what I want to get done, and then I'll run into my old friend (Mr. Procrastination), and following that, he'll invite me to spend my time on some meaningless, unimportant and/or non-urgent activity (like writing notes on Facebook for instance! nah I'm kidding, I love you guys!)

What could be worse than spending your day on meaningless rubbish? Nothing! Or is it really nothing? Perhaps there *is* something worse than spending your time on pointless garbage, that is: Spending your time and effort on something you thought to be important, only to find out that it wasn't so important after all.

Let's stretch the time frame further than a single day. Lets' talk about seasons. Let's talk about stages in life. In every season, we're always pre-occupied with what I'd like to call, projects. These projects vary from person to person, from time to time and from place to place. For you, it could literally be your school projects, or much more than that. It could be your dance/council cca, or it could be learning a new instrument. If you're serving the nation like me, your project could be to keep fit and learn proper leadership. Your project could also be a person ---- someone you're interested in perhaps? (I never thought this possible until I heard a youth pastor share at Teens Xcite last Saturday)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all your pursuits or projects are meaningless. I have projects of my own! Who doesn't? So no, I'm not going to say that we should put down all these projects because they are a waste of time. I believe they're not. If they were, you'd probably recognise it after awhile and kick it out of your life!

But when all is said and done, when you've reached the end in mind, the goal of your project, what happens next? Easy, we start out on another major project. Sometimes we even change the nature of our project!  For instance, you might decide to start learning a new instrument to take your mind off the guy who rejected you on Valentine's day --- now that's what I call a shift in project nature. 

If you ask me who my favourite actor/movie storyline writer is, I would probably say Adam Sandler. Sure, he's made some pretty lame films like Don't mess with the Zohan, but I really like his shows because they often deliver a good blend of humour and insight. One movie I was particularly impressed by was Click! His character, Michael Newman, had been given a remote control for life and he was able to fast forward through the things that really bored him (one of which seemed to be making love to his wife. strange huh?)

When Michael fast forwarded himself till he became a writhing old man, there was nothing but regret on his face. He realised that he hadn't really lived. Fast forwarding himself through the fights, the long time frames before the great promotion, the irritating quarrels amongst his kids, Michael had effectively cut away a huge part of his life. It took away from the idea of living.

Would you want to be in his position? To look back and realise how unimportant those little projects (you worked oh so hard on) were compared to what life was meant to be like? How do you know what life was meant to be like? How should I know? I know someone who knows, and I keep asking Him what life should be like, and not surprisingly, the answers always come in parts. Yet, it is enough, for the answers always come to my heart whenever I ask. Even if it's not an immediate one.

Heart time is about stopping to listen. Yes, the past can be filled with joyful memories and regretful moments. Yes, the future can be filled with bleak pictures or wonderful dreams. And yes, the present can be filled with beautiful things and ugly things. To have heart time is to stop and reflect on the past, learn from it and try and create a better future. To have heart time is to stop and dream about the future and determine how to best get there. To have heart time is to stop and notice the things happening in the present, things that we normally overlook all the time. To have heart time is to stop and learn from the past, live in the present and look to the future.

Like the great force of gravity, the momentum of life, particularly here in Singapore, sucks us into an endless routine of things. That's probably why we feel that sense of futility so often. It takes conscious (and sometimes excruciatingly painful) effort to stop yourself and take a listen to what your heart is saying ----- these projects might be important, could there be something far more important than them? Honestly, what would you like your life to look like in 20 years time? 

You can always say that you want to achieve your big dreams in life: grow deep with God, start a family and live happily ever after, get insanely rich and so on. But whatever your goal is, the little steps you take every day will determine whether or not you reach that goal or not.  To me, avoiding regret simply means selecting the right goal/payoff from the very beginning. Perhaps the best question to help you do this is the one called  'So what?' 

Let's say your goal is to get X. X could be a person, a degree, a skill, a relationship, etc. Now tag it to the so-what question. So what if I have X? What would I still be missing? When you keep asking yourself a question like that, you'll strip away all the unimportant things and find out the true desire of your heart. I hope that your ultimate desire will be a meaningful one, one that you will not regret in 20 years' time. 

I hope this has been helpful. I still waste time on unimportant projects quite a lot, but this piece will help to serve as a reminder for me to focus on what's really important in life. My wish is that it'll also help you to think a little bit more about having a little Heart Time for yourself. Remember, finding your ultimate desire is only the beginning.

"You might be on the right track, but you'll just get run over if you sit there" - Will Rogers

hey, this is Jerald